By Nadia Rose | Contributions by Vanessa Gibson | November 29 | 2 min. read

nood

End *Game*

Ah — Instant gratification always seems to be *just what the doctor ordered*, doesn’t it? Whether it’s retail therapy, scrolling social media, and perhaps even dabbling in a one-night stand will often bring us a boost in satisfying pleasure. Not only are we getting instant relief — it can be downright *f u n* — But, what happens when it’s over? What is the end game? We’ve ALL been there, when our quick fix wears off and the issue we tried to escape persists. *Oopsies*! We are only left with two options; find more distractions *aka* ‘quick fix’ or face the issue and move forward.
*Bestie* Boundaries
Don’t be silly, of course we tell our besties everything but, do our besties *really* expect us to include them in our relationship with our significant other?

While bringing the drams to your besties after an argument or triggering comment might feel like the most satisfying and necessary course of action, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a decision you might come to regret later on. Here’s the thing—the beauty of having best friends is quite literally that they are tailor-made to always be on your side and true besties believe you deserve the best no matter what. So, what’s the big deal about sharing intimate details about my romantic relationship with my besties if they are here for it? Well, that’s just it - intimate details which transpire privately between a couple are meant to remain intimate — the good, the amazing, pleasurable mind-blowing moments but, even the healthiest romantic relationships aren’t without ebbs and flows.

Furthermore, what makes any relationship unique and special is the love and understanding your partner has for you and that you have for them. It’s a bond you share between the two of you, and giving others snippets of minor arguments can be destructive when they can’t see the complete picture of the relationship.

To be clear: We aren’t talking about toxic relationships. This discussion applies to well-balanced, healthy relationships that inevitably have ups and downs like any other relationship. Any toxic behavior has to go no matter what. We fully support talking with friends or family members about any relationship red flags or manipulative behaviors. Trust your gut about what feels right in your relationship; if you ever feel concerned about your well-being, please speak up.

When venting goes wrong

There’s more to it than we think. After a frustrating argument with your partner, you inevitably feel defensive and going to your friends can make you feel heard and validated in your points—odds are, your besties will likely agree with you. But according to marriage and family therapist Dr. Patrice N. Douglas, “venting about your relationship is tricky because it opens up the door for more harm than good to come in.”

she elaborates further that venting to our friends about the negatives in a relationship can make them see only the negatives rather than all the good in your relationship. After you’ve vented to friends, it likely won’t be long until you make up with your partner and get back to normal. While you’ve let go of this flood of emotions, your friends have not—and they’re unlikely to forget.

Counselor and psychologist Karla Ivankovich, Ph.D., explained it like this: “Battles in a romantic relationship are often fleeting. But when we share those disagreements with friends, it cements these fights into a pattern of hurt that others perceive us to be experiencing.” Ultimately, this makes the relationship seem like an unstable rollercoaster rather than a loving partnership, and we eventually lose the relationship support from our friends. Not to mention, complaining about your partner to your besties is pushing boundaries. Odds are, if the roles were reversed and you found out your boyfriend was venting about you to his friends, you’d feel feelings of betrayal — Right?

Overall, it’s about balance. If you vent to your girls, are you able to justify it later on?

Can you forgive the disagreement?

Will they forgive it when the disagreement is over?

Can you build him back up in their mind, or is it too late?

It’s important to have an open mind and the maturity to evaluate things clearly before bringing others into the relationship.

Inner Exploration

Lets be real here — As most of us know, it goes without saying that communication is vital if you want a long-lasting relationship. So when we are at the height of a disagreement with our person, the ego is literally struggling to stay on top. Meaning; we get it, you both are not in a mindset to even consider surrendering but, remembering that each relationship, no matter how long or short, provides an insightful experience that can provoke self-reflection rather than deflecting from ego. So why does this matter? It’s all about communication baby! Allowing yourself to look inward opens the door to communicating with your s/o and in turn your openness may allow them a safe place to do the same. In other words; don’t be so stubborn that you miss an opportunity for growth!

According to a study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), communication issues between couples was the number one reason for 67.5% of couples that did not last. Further stating that specific issues of communication included an inability to understand the other partner, consistent arguing and total lack of communication, which led to issues of infidelity.

Live - Laugh… Loss Prevention

Instead of frienting, lets kick it into loss prevention mode and keep your relationship in high spirits! First, we’re starting a love letter jar. Simply decorate two jars labeled with your name on one and his name on the other, then write a little note to each other based on thoughts, ideas, hopes and feelings for the other. Some couples exchange the notes before adding it to the jar and once you receive the note, add it to the jar and watch your love for each other fill the container. When it’s full, go back and look at all the love you gave each other. Another option is to write each other a little note then without exchanging them right away, add them to your other half’s jar and if your relationship hits a few bumps, find the right moment to open the jars together for a loving surprise.

We also can’t recommend The Intimacy Quest enough! This inquisitive game was developed by psychologists to build trust, ignite intimacy, and bring more romance into your relationship. This game helps form a level of understanding for each other based on the prompts on each card. For any couples that struggle to communicate effectively might benefit from using a game to ask the tough questions instead of being too direct with their partner. Intimacy Quest can also help answer the hard questions or questions about previously unresolved issues, while keeping things light and fun!